?Our precious sister Angel R shared her testimony with us. I pray it encourages you on just how mighty the Lord is in our lives, as He is ever present.
My story begins back in 1963, the year I was born. By 1964 at 8 months old I had been adopted by my parents who had tried 8 years to have children. Needless to say, as we lived up the hill from from my grandparents, my mom’s parents I was the apple of so many eyes. The Lord had his hand in my life and had already delivered me from a life of foster care. I lost those grandparents in a car wreck. I was supposed to be with them but the night before they left my granddad had made a remark about how he wanted his headstone. He stated how his life had been full and he felt it was to end. Well, my mom would not let me go. That next day, they were both killed by a drunk driver head on. Again, the Lord had been there. I was raised in church and was baptized at 6 years old. My parents thought I was just it. I was smart and made above average grades. My brother who is adopted never got into any trouble. Well, trouble was always my middle name. I had noticed that things I heard in church did not match what I was seeing and I was confused. I felt like because I was expected to be a perfect picture for the community to see, was just not right. I was never perfect but nothing less than absolute perfection was tolerated. I started smoking pot to cope. I was given a choice of 3 professions in life to choose. None of which interested me, so I turned down a scholarship to college. I have never been forgiven for that. I ran off and married a thug and got pregnant and soon divorced. The Lord had shown me a serpent and had always been there. Things progressively got worse as I remarried and had 2 more kids. I was hopelessly addicted to pain medicine. I had suffered debilitating migraines my whole life. Nobody believed me. They only accused me of being an addict..and I am saying that I have been a terrible addict. But each time I had that pain in my head I said outloud, ” God, am I having an aneurysm?”. Keep that thought. Years of abuse went by and I had successfully kept my weight down by using pills and cocaine. I was anorexic. Nobody knew that I had been abused until after my kids needed that warning of how not to ever allow abuse to happen to them. My life was spiraling out of control in 2005. My husband was arrested for drugs. My daddy was 69 and going through chemo in stage 4 lymphoma. We got that news the day of that large tsunami. My oldest daughter had brain surgery from a seizure while the other daughter accidently overdosed at school. My son had surgery from a tumor in his chest..3 times but it was never cancer. By the time hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans I had that brain aneurysm. The older daughter walked into the bathroom with staples in her head and asked, “Mama is that the aneurysm you talked about?”. That day the Lord was with me. He had been there through it all and that was the day I learned how real the power of words can be! I spoke that into existance out of ignorance. Even though I was given a 30 % survival chance at best, I was too blind or stupid to be scared and never had any fear. I was the dodo coming out of NICU dragging the iv pole out to smoke…across the street. Even smart people can be very ignorant under an addiction. Mine led to lethal levels after weeks on a morphine pump. It had become deadly and intravenous. I was buying medicine they give to dying cancer patients to keep them comfortable. That all stopped when I mixed it with cocaine. I did not know that the scare at home had actually been a heart attack until years later. I had lost my martiage of 20 years, he went to prison. I lost my home. I lost my kids to grandparents. I lost my house and all self respect. I lost my best friend to an overdose. Years have passed. I went to jail a couple of times. My kids have issues. Both parents have cancer now. I spent far too long running from myself and from the Lord. I have dragged shame and guilt for years. Tears are pouring down my cheeks trying to type and knowing that maybe just a few can relate. I have been raped. I have been called a failure. I have been told that “God would get tired of fooling with me”. I was scared and so ashamed it took drugs to cope. It was so bad that my poor elderly Daddy would give me his pain medicine so I could just eat and not be sick. I have been the blame for my kids drug problems. It is my fault if anybody is at fault. Does anyone understand how that shreds a soul into pieces? It hurts beyond any hurt. I have always loved my kids more than anyone knows. Yes I gave the one daughter medicine after she took all of hers after brain surgery. Her head was as large as a basketball. No one knows what they would do for their child to be out of pain until they are faced with that situation. I was just so happy the Lord let her live. Listen. There are many like me. We can overcome. I do still smoke. I have married again. I am happy. The memories are painful. I never took anybody for money and I was the only one ever in the car warning the others that if they try this thing there are consequences. I was honest and I tld them the risk. I was wrong but I can honestly know I had been truthful and even if I had contributed that I had been honest first. Through it all, I forgot about how to help myself. I was too self consumed with the whole withdrawal thing. I did sit as a queen. Now, I am stuck with the memories that are left behind and the reality of the hurt and pain that I caused everyone. I try and talk about Jesus and they never take me a anything but high. I say to them all how much I love them and I get accused of being on some drug.
I do not blame anyone else. I did it all and much worse than that. This is barely scratching the surface. I was supposed to be this and that. Nobody ever asked me what I wanted or what mattered to me. I ran from the only real help because I was taught that Christians do not associate with people like me. The prayers concerning the police were all so misguided. The prayers when standing in all the pharmacies passing my own written prescriptions waiting and sweating until the sack was in my hand, again so misguided. I ran for so long but I always called upon the Lord even when it was misguided. Now, please do not think I am still in that spirit. I love my Lord more than words can say. He has delivered me and my family more times than I can even think about. If I told you all of it I would need a publisher. My husband has had cancer. He has had liver failure. Joint disease and bone disease. We married the day he became a hospice paient. He was given 6 months to live and that was 7 yrs ago. We found the Lord in truth and in spirit. I talk to Jesus and praise his name. I can not understand how a person could not accept salvation. If they are running it may be out of shame. We need to catch them and tell them he only wants us to be who we are. Everyone has fallen short of being perfect even in the scriptures. All but Jesus. I have finally learned that he can love a drug addict when they have no hope or love of self. We have to realize they have been stripped of all pride and cast away. Satan has done so much damage. He brings drugs in and makes them a crime and profits from it all. We have a great physician already. If I had gone to the Lord my God first instead of as a last resort I could never write this messed up truth. I am still the same compassionate person that he made me to be. I am honest to the point of embarassing myself, but if this truth helps one person understand one thing…Jesus is there and he is waiting on you. He lives you when nobody else loves you. He cares for you regardless. He died for you no matter if a needle is in your arm or a pill in your hand. He wants you just to come home. He will take you back when nobody else accepts you. He understands that no addict wants to be a prisoner. He wants to dry away all the tears and make it okay. Will you please come to him? He will not judge you. He knows your pain and you are forgiven. He knew we all would fall and he is hear to catch us all. I understand the spirit of addiction. It is a demonic, private hell of our own making. He can fix it. It is a heart problem. If you can forgive yourself today he will be there waiting. You are forgiven so I beg you please come home whatever your condition. The world passes judgement upon us but Jesus is love and mercy. You need love and mercy. I am begging for all addicts whether its a cigarette or a anything to lay it down at the throne of grace and come back. I know how you feel and every day I pray for those like me and you. I love Jesus Christ of Nazereth. He has been there chasing me for many years to come back and he is chasing you, too. Please forgive yourself and find your way home. I stand with all of you in spirit. He will deliver you. He has forgiven you. Please accept his sacrifice. That is what it takes to end that bondage and be free in your heart. It is the heart that counts not if you are perfect. Just try one day at a time; that is all we have. He is there holding out an invitation to return. I beg you to come to him. He is your only hope and he is home. I hope that this may help someone out there in a situation that they can end right now. I am sorry this was long but if one soul can relate and be helped to come home then I can know that I have done something for a soul in need. Thankyou for reading my story. I pray it blesses someone and they forgive themself and come home. I am not concerned about being judged any more than I have already judged myself. I have found that forgiving myself has helped heal my heart. I know if he can forgive me that I should forgive myself. We are in a school for souls and are about to graduate. Please come home to Jesus. His hand has never left you one time, as his hand has delivered me and those around me. Just consider the works of his hand….you are that work. Honestly, there is no possibility of me ever forgetting how his hand has been in my life. The odds alone of surviving overdoses and aneurysms and just so many times I have walked out of death itself that it may be embarassing a little to share and bare all. In truth, it would be very selfish not to openly show you, the reader, how he has been in my life delivering me time and time again whether I have deserved any of it. Thank you Jesus for saving me from myself and I will stand with those in need every day interceeding for them to just come home. May the Lord bless you all.